by Becca Cipriani
When Superman and Lois Lane returned from their honeymoon, reporters at the Daily Planet noticed that the dewy look of love in Lois's eyes had dried a bit due to a few snafus. Superman had booked a less-than-ideal hotel, he refused to wear his sunscreen, and he snored. Where was the hero she married? What were conflict and anger doing in her happily ever after?
Facing Facts
Most of us Lois Lanes have been raised on guy-gets-girl storylines, starring the perfect guy who completes a woman and loves her unconditionally.
Therefore, a bride expects an emotionally mature, knight-in-shining-armor husband from "I do" forward, says Dr. Julianna Slattery, author of Finding the Hero in Your Husband. That bride is understandably disappointed when her husband doesn't know automatically how to love her unconditionally, makes mistakes, and isn't that great of a leader. "Sadly," Slattery adds, "everything that's good about him is overshadowed by the disappointment and fear a wife feels in light of [her husband's] weaknesses."
Unfortunately, if you're like most women, you don't understand your role in the storyline. The best option, according to Slattery, is to "understand that [you] married a ... man who really needs the right kind of wife to help him grow into a hero."
Get Your Hero Started
Now is a great time to adopt the marital mission statement: "A woman never marries the man of her dreams; she helps the man she marries become the man of his dreams."
Guess what? Your husband wants to be that hero. How do you make this dream a reality?
Step One: Get rid of unrealistic expectations.
Ditch your mental replays of the movie "Sleepless in Seattle" and any other unrealistic plotlines. Instead, pray for eyes to see and appreciate the heroic traits your husband already displays. Clean house mentally, and refocus to recognize your husband's attempts at heroism.
Step Two: Realize your role in shaping your marital relationship.
According to Proverbs 14:1, "Every wise woman builds her house, but a foolish one tears it down with her own hands." Daily you are shaping the marriage, either by building it up or tearing it down. Recognize your powerful influence.
Step Three: Meet his needs.
Your husband has the following core needs; meet them, and you will and enable your Super Man to take flight.
Completion. Created in the image of God, men and women received different aspects of that image. Ideally you and your mate should complement each other's gifts and compensate equally for inadequacies. For instance, most guys are not as intuitive as their female counterparts when it comes to relationships. You can balance the big-picture male mindset of your spouse with your more feminine attention to detail. You have the power to cover (not exploit) his weaknesses with your gifts. Strive to complete him, not to control him.
Keep the goal of a heroic husband in mind. That goal will help you "present your ideas and opinions in a way that builds his confidence and adds to his ability to understand his family and work needs," Slattery says. "You don't want to take his leadership away, but to empower him to grow."
Admiration and respect. No matter his competent facade, every man fears failure in work and life.
"A wife holds in her hand the power to determine whether her husband feels capable," Slattery reminds us. If you choose to encourage your husband, especially in the midst of failure, you're drawing out the hero. Criticism, on the other hand, will squelch heroic qualities. Your husband needs your approval. Demonstrate it every day.
Your supportive statements must communicate truths, not flattery. Don't offer empty, generic praise, which equips his ego, not his hero.
Also aim for specific rather than general statements: "I love the way you play with the kids," or "Thanks for working so hard on the taxes."
"Balance affirmation with partnership," Slattery emphasizes. You're called to keep your husband grounded, not to allow him to lead blindly without wisdom, truth, or reliance on God.
s*xual fulfillment. "Over 80 percent of married men say if they could improve one thing in marriage, it would be physical intimacy," says Slattery. "Women, by nature, don't understand or relate to this."
You may be short on both time and energy to devote to this male need. Or you may feel that your husband is stinting your own emotional needs. However, these truths don't alter your husband's need.
"The battle men face in today's world can't be faced on their own," Slattery says. Wear clothes he likes, maintain your attractiveness, respond when he initiates. The benefits are worth the effort. By "owning her s*xual power," Slattery says, "a woman reduces the influence of outside temptations, makes herself more precious to her husband, and feels more sensual and feminine herself."
Not a bad return.
Going First
"But my husband should lead our relationship and meet my needs for feeling cherished and protected!" you protest. The honest truth? You only have the ability to change one person in any relationship - yourself.
"You have no power in deciding your husband's behavior," Slattery admonishes. "But you do have responsibility in how you respond to him. Even though God called men to be leaders, He has given wives tremendous influence."
And your efforts begin a cycle. Your marriage is either in a cycle of intimacy (building each other up) or self-defense (tearing each other down). "When you encourage your husband and meet [his] needs," Slattery says, "he starts to become the leader who protects and cherishes you."
Personal Training
Releasing the hero in your husband may mean quieting the my-way-only demands in your head, especially in the process of decision-making.
To help your husband feel affirmed, let him have the final say. It's a tough order. To ease the sting, acknowledge that both of you are afraid of failure, and the way you make decisions together matters more than the final decision.
Fear happens. It's normal to have doubts (neither of you is perfect). But remember, you do get to share respectfully your opinions about the decision before you turn the matter over to your husband.
"Ultimately, it's not about trusting your husband; it's about trusting God," Slattery says. "God is your safety net; lean fully on Him and trust Him. Bring your fear to Him; don't try to control it yourself."
With that perspective, you can "let go of making the right decision and focus on building the right relationship," Slattery says. Few decisions make gigantic differences in life, but the way you come to those decisions can either build up or tear down your spouse. How you decide is more important than your decision.
Completing, respecting, and physically interacting with your husband bears heroic fruit. "You were created with the desire to be loved by a man who's worthy of your respect and capable of leading you," Slattery says. "Inviting your husband to lead and encouraging him to step out in faith and make decisions helps him to be more of a hero than he is today."
Becca Cipriani lives in Pittsburgh, Penn.
Posted By: How May I Help You NC
Sunday, December 11th 2016 at 4:14AM
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